I've got to push myself to get used to simplicity.

"It is a necessary conflict." I've been telling myself that lately. Using my innate logical side to trump my worries. Decisions are hard to make when your bound to everyone around you. In pain and in strength. Everything with Courage.

There's always a point when your painting and it all looks terrible. Stroke after stroke it will look worse and worse. But I've found that when I do not stop, when I do not give up on what I imagine, it happens. There's that awesome moment when things turn out greater than you ever expected and you've learned something new.

you are a figment projection of what I wish you to be. Every sweet step you take is a step on my soul, and ever glance an instillation of memories that do not exist; every smile, I swear we fell in love. Thoughts glaze reality though. The fear that the sweet icing doesn't match the unknown lets my lips move while soul is shut. Know one will know.

My eyes are leaping down to find the treasures in the physicality of my brain, smeared. Lips tight, still, waiting. Engineering the white noise. I have been gazed, sent two ways from a land were drunk is dry. I exist undead. A partial reality to my heavy lids, waiting. But I don't want a sweet death. I want a hard one. A silent one, finished. A self determined self, cracks my back up and burns the insides of my neck melding it to stand straight. I do this to live, because I'm dying, and I don't want to be dying and then temporarily die. I just want to be dead. Spear me the reincarnation. When I wake up just as dead as the other day. Sleep is a false soothing. Death is misleading, and it's getting harder to stay alive, because they won't let me die.

Truth be told a tired part three. I failed and I always explain when there are witnesses. I am embarrassed even in the dark when my eyes can't hold. When my heart must be quenched. I know we all have problems, and I know we all have it bad. But whats worse than not being able to explain your pain. Whats worse than being tortured in the dark of your mind. I am something absurd, my friend. I am twisted. Whats worse than not being able to reel it all in to show some one how fucked up you feel. You are left to believe you are insane, because what is your reason when you don't have one, but pain.

bleading black ink
squeezing

You are drawn to the rain because you can not cry
you are drawn to the darkness because you can not calm your mind

Death.

:) that is all

goodnight

...... Just like every one else.

I didn't get drunk, just mad tipsy yo. lol I'm wobly and I can... I can't finish my sentence apparently. lol It's a weird feeling. I get why they call it a depressant, because I feel like gravity is pulling down harder than it usually does. My mind is only surface value and I'm just tired. lol I keep forgetting the last part of my sentences. "My Brain is tight, but my lips are loose" I thought. OH and I can't stop smiling. That's what I ment to say first. weird feeling. A lot less plesant then I thought it was, but I guess I understand peoples facination with it. I just can't believe people have the guts to let the ranes go like that. idk. It was fun went with some buddies who were talking about making social change. I feel "heavy relaxed" ..almost absent. Anyway, I'll be sure not to make a habit of it. I'm so skinny. All I had was a long island ice tea.

It's unfortunate that when we feel a storm
we can roll ourselves over 'cause we're uncomfortable
oh where the devil makes us sin
but we like it when we're spinning in his grip.

Love is like a sin my love

For the one that feels it the most
Look at her with her eyes like a flame
She will love you like a fly will never love you, again

It's unfortunate that when we feel a storm
we can roll ourselves over when we're uncomfortable
oh well the devil makes us sin
but we like it when we're spinning in his grip.

Love is like a sin my love

For the one that feels it the most
Look at her with a smile like a flame
She will love you like a fly will never love you, again

Stretch the moment and let it impact you more than it actually is. That is what it is to romanticize something.

Has something ever torn at you so deep you become a body soaked in fire. So torn apart that the anguish actually heals you because the pain you feel is other worldly. I'd rather it all than this. I'd rather everything else than what I am feeling at this moment.

And it needs to come out. You rage around trying to find some medium to punish and appease what ever forces consume you to this level. You are a blaze with every torchered thought. Renching threw your mind with there lethal acrobatics.

What does one do when they are in intense pain? For the soul it is hard to find a way to scream, but perhaps with my hands I can find something to bite on. I write.

This solid vessel when squeezed will admit liquids and feel shameful for it. For what right does it have to do so? What burden does it have? Does it not hold the weight? Ah, but if that vessel were with out liquid it would crack with in seconds.

I want to be a man. I want to leave you pleasantly intimidated. I want you to feel my presents when I come near and feel consumed when I hold you. When I speak, I want to inspire actions, and when I don't, I want to be doing. But that is not who I am. I am a man that goes unnoticed. It's as if I'm not even here. I can show you all the wonders of things that aren't yet there. I can consume you with the context, and with the ideas of what could be. But in this respect, I'm not a loner, I need you to create with me.

I sat underneath the white flowery tree with you, and as the peddles fell, so did I too.

---

Wasn't feeling so great when I wrote this. But, this helped a lot.. well you can kinda see the evolution of thought for yourself. I don't know whats wrong with me. I spend so much time practicing my art and I can't express a single thing with it. But with words... and I'm well known for sucking with words. I don't know, regardless if I get the point across to others, I get the point across to myself and that, is what creates my catharsis.

I've drunk the social death. Lethal in it's conception, the suspense flutters the potential of pain as it swims it's way down, and warms your belly, makes your eyes glow, and leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. Sweet fantasy what are you? The dancing conversation moves towards me and I stunt it's growth. Fumbling on the sickness that entered threw me, my eye shines blurry as I fall and I know I said many things. But I heard none of it.

I just wrote this, I think it's what I feel drinking will be like, lol. idk. I'm so sheltered. Next week, I'll have a drink with a few buddies of mine. Not gona get drunk though. I always had a fear of drinking. I just feel like I'm the type of eccentric, melancholic, socially awkward person that would be heavily susceptible to becoming an alcoholic. *Your so positive John* Yeah, I know. But it's true. I feel the truth of it simmering underneath my ribs, ready to burst a regrettable poison. Dignity is not with me in a future with alcohol involved. lol, I don't know why I'm so weird about it, anyway... it's just new things. That's all. New things scare me. Whatever. It'll be fun.

...again

I ..I I don't know what to feel

I have to catch up on the last season. It's always sweeter when it's finite, though. It's like that last sip of hot chocolate on a cold winter day.

I just thought of how in Inception they go deep into there own subconscious and spend hundreds of thousands of years in there, you know it's based on the truth that the deeper the dream the longer your perception of the time. I thought what if it was reversed? because God knows this thing we call "reality" isn't real. So what if we're at some type of transitioning point and going to a higher consciousness increases our life span and much more! What if, our consciousness was connected to not only our perception of time, but different dimensions as well? So at death, or before it if possible, we would transcend our perception of time and go into the future.

This theory is all jumbled nonsense in my head. But it's basically, what if everything was drastically connected. Our conscious perception of time is only fixed because we are not able to control it. But my thing is, what if our collective perception of time actually changed the laws of time and space.